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Literature Text
i. The clock struck 11:11 and I made a wish. It didn't come true and you didn't show up. Maybe you were never real.
ii. Last week I woke up in a cold sweat and i grabbed for you but all I saw was the indent where you used to lay. Maybe one day you will come back.
iii. Yesterday I got a package in the mail and it was addressed from you and it was empty. I placed my lungs inside and mailed it back because I just can't breathe without you. Maybe you sent it to me by mistake.
iv. Today I cut my heart right out of my chest so I could put it away. It doesn't really work anyways. Maybe one day I will see use for it again.
v. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor. Everyone is starting to notice I've changed and they think I might be sick. Maybe they're right.
vi. It's been a week since I went to the doctor and I don't feel any different. The pills aren't working and my brain is starting to fail too. I think I'm going insane.
vii. My skin is starting to peel off and my eyes are glazing over. The doctor says i have less than a month to live at this rate. I told him I'm already dead anyways.
ii. Last week I woke up in a cold sweat and i grabbed for you but all I saw was the indent where you used to lay. Maybe one day you will come back.
iii. Yesterday I got a package in the mail and it was addressed from you and it was empty. I placed my lungs inside and mailed it back because I just can't breathe without you. Maybe you sent it to me by mistake.
iv. Today I cut my heart right out of my chest so I could put it away. It doesn't really work anyways. Maybe one day I will see use for it again.
v. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor. Everyone is starting to notice I've changed and they think I might be sick. Maybe they're right.
vi. It's been a week since I went to the doctor and I don't feel any different. The pills aren't working and my brain is starting to fail too. I think I'm going insane.
vii. My skin is starting to peel off and my eyes are glazing over. The doctor says i have less than a month to live at this rate. I told him I'm already dead anyways.
Literature
i think i might be alcoholic.
you see, there was this boy and everyone called him a cool drink of water but he didn't set my heart on fire like he was supposed to. he dampened my spirits and left me drythroated in his endless desert of dusty dreams blowing around like tumbleweed in the hot wind. sand got into my eyes. sometimes he came with a lemon on the side and that made me feel special until i realized that his only flavor, personality and charm came from the citrus and sometime there were no refills.
there was this other boy; people said he would be just my cup of tea. i brewed him along with other herbs and the scent of him filled up my room. i told myself i could
Literature
Speak
You're crippling my heart with unspoken words.
{Remember that night back in '07? You said that we were invincible, that one day we would whisper sweet nothings in each others ears and all the bad things in the world would disappear.}
What? Cat got your tongue?
{Now that the time is here, the silence reverberates from your body and each empty sound wave breaks me a little bit more.}
Is it me?
{Am I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Oh God. Please just say something, anything! I can't handle this.}
Of course it's me.
{You look up and our eyes meet. You always knew how to get to me. When you look in my eyes, you see way beyond th
Literature
Are you sure?
When you ask me if I'm ok
I'll tell you yes
When you ask me what's the matter
I'll tell you nothing.
So don't ask me if I'm sure
Because I won't be able to look you in the eyes and lie again
Then I'll pour my heart out
And you won't be able to handle the truth
You'll see my broken eyes
The scars etched in my skin
The scars
Carved
On
My
Heart
The shadows that lurk in my mind
The fragile being that I fight to protect for a reason unknown
But if you told me
Just once
That everything would be alright
For a fleeting second
Maybe
Just maybe
I would be ok
And just possibly
I'd be sure.
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full title: It Might Be Cancer That Made the Final Blow
i would like feedback on the concept, structure, and flow of the piece.
i think i kinda like this one despite how short it is. also ive just started a blog. check me out at [link]
i will post stuff different from what i post on here. i think i'm going to run with the idea put forth in this piece here and make it a daily thing. i dunno.
critiques and comments please.
these words are my heart.
i would like feedback on the concept, structure, and flow of the piece.
i think i kinda like this one despite how short it is. also ive just started a blog. check me out at [link]
i will post stuff different from what i post on here. i think i'm going to run with the idea put forth in this piece here and make it a daily thing. i dunno.
critiques and comments please.
these words are my heart.
© 2010 - 2024 ksmsoccer89
Comments35
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactFirst of all, I like the layout of this piece, how it's set up into little snapshots of moments. Like written photographs, don't you think? <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>This structure helps the gradual decline of narrator into what appears to be depression. The only problem with the layout you've chosen is that it doesn't allow much detail but in all honesty I think this gives away enough detail <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>Another good point is the imagery of placing your lungs inside a box because you can't breathe without this person. Everyone knows this saying and you've depicted it well.
The grim image of skin peeling off is effective as it shows the effects of heartbreak and the ending that you've chosen is effective. It's sort of a shock ending and finishes off the piece well <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Big Grin)"/>One minor point, I think a comma is meant to appear in this sentence:
"...i grabbed for you[,] but all I saw was the indent where you used to lay." But I'm not too good with commas so you might want to verify that.
And now that I've put that I've realised you've put a lower case 'I' in that sentence whereas you've put upper case throughout the rest of it. You need to keep it consistent <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>Overall, there is not much I can find wrong with this piece. A very good job <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Big Grin)"/>