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I'm tired of writing about you and i'm sure you would be too. I've gotten so pathetic that at night before i go to bed, i try and make sure you're the last thing on my mind and the last words that slip from my mouth are your full name. This way, maybe i'll get lucky and you'll come into my dreams again. If the only place i can have you is in my dreams, i guess that's better than nothing right?

------

This morning when i woke up, i laid in bed for another 2 hours before finally getting up. I didn't even realize i had been laying there that long in silence and without movement. My lungs hurt and my stomach was flipped upside down and i wanted to go back to sleep, but you wouldn't let me.

------

My toes are black and blue and my face is pale because it's so damn cold without you and the sun never shines anymore. The weatherman said the forecast today wasn't for the heavy hearted and there was a good chance of faulty promises and half-truths. We used to hide under the covers when there was bad weather, but maybe now I should go buy an umbrella.

------

Now look what you've made me do, I said I didn't want to write about you. The only thing you ever taught me is you can't always get what you want, and even when you think you have it, you really don't. I wonder if you ever think about me anymore or anything reminds you of me, like the way my cheeks became flushed when you kissed me or how I named a star after you. Sometimes I ask that star to bring you back to me but then I remember stars can't hear and even if your star could hear me, it wouldn't care anyways.

------

Times have changed and so have we and I've come to the conclusion we just weren't meant to be. Once, I thought we were never even meant to begin. I used to think I had jumped through a loophole and had out ran my fate. I never deserved you and you weren't supposed to be in the original script and fate eventually caught up with me. OR maybe I'm just insane and out of my mind and I need to stop lying to myself. But I'm not just lying to myself because you lied to me when you said you loved green eyes with a just a hint of blue and the way my smile was crooked and how I tripped over myself. But, brown is your favorite color and my smile is flawed and who can love a klutz so don't try and act all innocent like you had nothing to do with my fallout. You taught me it's easy to fall in love, but in your case I guess it's even easier to fall out.
i had something way better than this typed out, but when i tried to post it on my tumblr it didn't work and erased everything i had written. so the first half is completely true from memory (glad i have a somewhat photographic memory) but the rest is as best as i can remember and most of it is added on to what i originally had.

i know this still isn't good but im getting closer. i would like feedback on flow and concept and originality. i think i used some metaphors that are prety good and i havent used before.

these words are my heart. this is me being real.

p.s. sometimes i forget to breathe because i used to only do it for you.
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:iconagnieszkaa:
agnieszkaa Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2010  Student Digital Artist
touching. it feels like it's about my story... :O_o:
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:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2010
thanks very much :D
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
But I'm not just lying to myself because you lied to me when you said you loved green eyes with a just a hint of blue and the way my smile was crooked and how I tripped over myself. But, brown is your favorite color and my smile is flawed and who can love a klutz so don't try and act all innocent like you had nothing to do with my fallout. You taught me it's easy to fall in love, but in your case I guess it's even easier to fall ou

i love love love love love love that part. i know it all too well =/ im blue eyed, crooked smile, and a klutz ;] its as if you wrote my life out in that part. haha
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010
i know it too well also. this one is based on my life. in a very to the last drop sort of way.
im green eyed with a hint of blue and have a crooked smile and im a huge klutz. we have so much in common already lol.
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
are you a bitter hopeless romantic with your heart on your sleeve for the daws to peck at, just like i am? haha =D
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:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
no comment lol.
which obviously means yes i am lol
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
i'd plead the fifth as well...but the bloody scrap i call my heart thats hanging on my sleeve would be to obvious to lie about hahah
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
hahaha yeah its hard to hide something like that. not even long sleeves work. people can still see its faint beating underneath :P
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
haha youre cool =]
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:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
haha what makes you say that?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconcuelinarypieces:
cueLinarypIecES Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2010
you are a very talented writer :D
been there, really sucks when in the end what you've regarded as your life was in a fact, a lie...
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010
thanks so very much. its nice to hear from you. sorry it took me so long to respond. im so far behind =[
have you submitted anything recently that i need to go look at?
Reply
:iconcuelinarypieces:
cueLinarypIecES Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2010
it's ok...i haven't visited DA much either since classes have started...i did submit one [link]
you can critique it as much as you want :D
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010
It was very nice to read; everything about it was interesting; nice job!!! :butterfly:
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010
wow well thanks so very much. im happy you liked it =]
Reply
:iconmrots:
mrots Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010
By using the spacing it has almost seperated your thoughts and portrays a sense of disarray and confusion, whilst by doing it you begin to discover revelations within your thoughts. I think the way you've done that works well.
The flow (you asked people to comment on this) is quite disjointed with the spacing and it appears as though you wrote sections at a time, but it works well overall as a continuous piece.
I loved :
'Times have changed and so have we and I've come to the conclusion we just weren't meant to be. '
That was written beautifully, and is also my favourite line.
This piece made me feel like I discovered something, which I thought was interesting yet well done :heart:
Reply
:iconpiryt:
piryt Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2010
I like how this piece feels. I think I know what you felt writing, and that means you succeeded in writing it. Bravo!
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010
yay! thank you so much. i hope youll read more in the future =]
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:iconpiryt:
piryt Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010
hahah, I'll try. :)
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:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010
haha dont try too hard now :D
i thought i was watching you already but i guess not. you take some great photos. and poland, cool =]
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:iconjacksoneatsapples:
JacksonEatsApples Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
that was very powerful and very well written, i loved it :heart:
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010
wow well thanks so very much. it means a lot. i hope youll read more in the future...if i ever post anything again lol
Reply
:iconreggs:
Reggs Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Student Photographer
I really like this. I love how when you write it's always so easy to relate to seriously its like your taking exact pages of peoples lives and habits when it comes to certain things.
--
And also i love how they always flows beautifully through until the end.
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
geez thanks so much. i love how you actually take time to read my work =]
im glad you think this is good. youre soooo nice :)
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:iconreggs:
Reggs Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2010  Student Photographer
of course i read them they are really good. And thanx lol
Reply
:iconflawedfairytale:
flawedfairytale Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Student Writer
This piece is featured here! :ahoy:
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
wow. can i just say that youre awesome? :hug:

p.s. lovely pirate =]
Reply
:iconflawedfairytale:
flawedfairytale Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2010  Student Writer
:huggle: Heh, thankya!
Reply
:iconpyr0n0id:
Pyr0n0id Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
loved it. especially the fourth paragraph. the star thing? mmhmm :]
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
woohoo thanks. i was hoping someone would enjoy the star part. it was one of my favorite parts to write =]
Reply
:iconpyr0n0id:
Pyr0n0id Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
haha yes, definitely a highlight XD
Reply
:iconvintageisabel:
VintageIsabel Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
I really enjoyed ths piece, you seem to have a great talent for creating an intimate and strog connection with your reader. The employment of the weatherman in this orginal context was brilliant, and your metaphors and word choice kept the piece alive and flowing. Well done.
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
wow. i dont really know what to say in response to a lovely comment like that so ill just say thank you.
your words mean so much. seriously. i hope youll read more in the future.
ima gonna go give your gallery a looksy now =]
Reply
:iconvintageisabel:
VintageIsabel Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
I did read a couple of your pieces today and will continue reading from your gallery, you are a very entertaining and thoughtful writer, and I really have enjoyed your stuff so far. Thanks so much for the kind visit and the extremely kind watch. Have a lovely night, if, that is, it is night for you.
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:iconnot-a-great-artist:
Not-a-Great-Artist Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Student Writer
This is amazingly written and very relateable. Awesome job altogether
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
wow seriously?
youre awesome. thank you very much =]
Reply
:iconnot-a-great-artist:
Not-a-Great-Artist Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010  Student Writer
yes, really. you're very welcome! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconatlantic-lungs:
atlantic-lungs Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Student Writer
I don't usually read prose,
but the first line attracted me so much
that I had to read the whole piece
and I'm happy I did :D
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
yay! im happy you did too. thanks so muchfor this comment.
i hope youll read more. im going to give your gallery a peek now =]
Reply
:iconatlantic-lungs:
atlantic-lungs Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Student Writer
Splee, you're very welcome :icontardglompplz: I will read more if my deviations let me find it,
ahaha, but I will try extra hard :D
tehee, thank youu <33
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
woohoo! well take your time. no rush to read my words. =]
youre very welcome. i love your stuff :D
Reply
:iconblueeyedgirl26:
blueeyedgirl26 Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Student Photographer
Ahh... such good metaphors. I really like the 3rd paragraph, the weatherman thing is just plain and simple amazing! :)
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
awww thanks so much for this comment.
i liked the weatherman part too. i wish i knew how my brain worked so i could write more often.
Reply
:iconflawedfairytale:
flawedfairytale Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Student Writer
This is just perfect. It's bittersweet and feels like it leaves you with a sting- it's just gorgeous. :heart:
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
i wouldnt say perfect but thanks lol. :D
youre much too kind. =]
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:iconshadowsoffear:
shadowsoffear Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
The third paragraph is my favorite. Somehow I love the metaphor of the weather forecast. Sometimes simplicity is the best.

I like how the person seems bitter, yet like there's still some sort of actual hurt beneath it, as if they still wish things had gone a different way.

I understand what you mean about subject matter. But there's NOTHING wrong with using this subject. It's a great one to use! Pain is the mother of the best artwork, it would seem.
But you managed to write about an "overused" subject in a fresh sort of way. As I said, the simplicity is what serves best here.
The truth is stated simply and is open to many interpretations for that fact in itself, and it sounds poetic and yet realistic at the same time. It could be a song, a chapter in a story, almost anything. It's flexible because of the strength and structure.

The only thing I would suggest is to work on capitalizing the letter I, for one thing, sometimes that can turn people off from a piece by making the author appear either lazy or bad in grammar. If it looks well-polished, it looks more professional. Going along with that, try to break up the last paragraph a bit more. It's a lot of run-on sentences and a big block of text, which can also confuse and distract.

Besides slight errors in grammar and such, the work in itself (the important part) is wonderful. I can relate with this because its versitality reminds me of some similar experiences of mine.
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:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
i'm glad you liked the weather forecast part. i think it was one of my favorite parts to write.

well the person in the poem is technically me and thats exactly how i feel. upset but wishing it had gone differently.

im so glad you think i wrote about this in a fresh way. i realize half of dA writes about this kind of stuff but i like to think mine is in a new way and its not boring and obnoxious. so thanks very much.

i get what you mean with capitalizing i and the run-on sentences but i dont really like capping i. i like the way it looks and if turns some people off and makes them think im lazy then so be it. thats up to them. and the run-on sentences are intended because its supposed to be like regurgitation. the person is hurt so theyre just hurriedly spitting up words out of their mouth. but i get where youre coming from =]

thanks so much for the long comment and critique. im glad someone took the time. it means more than you know and i hope youll read more of my stuff in the future =]
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:iconshadowsoffear:
shadowsoffear Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
No trouble at all :)
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:iconmspadfoot2:
mspadfoot2 Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Student Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution: The way this flows, it feels like a poem sometimes. It really love that. I think this is great. The bitterness is really tangible. I think you are right that some of the metaphors you used were very interesting, such as the one in the third paragraph.

That being said, the subject matter wasn't quite as original. Poetry and prosetry on the ending of relationships is extremely common on dA. That being said, this seems pretty true, like it's written from personal experience, so that can be forgiven.
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010
thanks so very much for commenting. and yeah i like to make my prose even seem somewhat poetic. i started writing poetry but have fell in love with prose and write more of prosetry ever since. so even though i just write a story i try and make it flow and sound like it has a hint of poetry within.
metaphors are my favorite part when it comes to writing. writing about things that have been said a million times but in a different way.

and yes i know the subject matter isnt very original. im well aware loads of people write on this subject matter but i think i write about it in a fresh way. its not just me complaining and ranting like all the preteens and teenagers on here. mine actually has depth and meaning behind it and its way above a 4th grade reading level. but yes it is from personal experience. everything i write has bits and pieces of my true life in it. writing about this theme is what i usually do but i present it in a different manner like i already said. its not like im just saying we were in love, we broke up, and now i wanna kill myself cuz i have nothing to live for. my writing goes way beyond that.

snyways sorry for the rambling. thanks so much for commenting and for your input. i always appreciate an honest opinion. =]
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