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i.
I feel like a grenade just went off in my head and your words are the shrapnel buried in my brain.

ii.
I wish I could erase the marks on my thighs but they will always say fuck you and remind me of what you did to me.

iii.
I can never sleep anymore because every time I do you turn my dreams into nightmares. I would try sleeping pills but I'm afraid one will turn to two, three, and four, and then I would surely overdose and crumple to the floor.

iv.
My knees still hurt from begging you to stay but you said I was pathetic and wasting my time. I guess you were right.

v.
I saw my reflection in the mirror earlier and didn't appreciate what I saw. I punched the mirror hoping I would fall to pieces just as my reflection would. You broke everything I thought I used to be; now I hate all that I see.

vi.
I wanted us to last longer but I ran out of words and you ran out of patience and we both ran out of time. Now I have nothing left but cold bed sheets and this goddamned rhyme.
this is now day 15 in a row of writing something each day. some days ive even submitted multiple things xD

i'm so tired right now that all the words are growing blurry and i'm losing sight of where i was going with this.

comments and critiques please. feedback on concept, emotion, metaphors, imagery, and the ending. i still suck at endings. i think this one might be perfect though if you pay close attention to the wording.

these words are my heart. my extremely mangled heart.
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:iconjessicaconk:
jessicaconk Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Featured here [link]
Make sure you favorite the article so that you can get more exposure. :D
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:iconmollz4music:
Mollz4music Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
well your extremly mangled heart wries immensly great things.I like the ending and the imagery was good.I think that maybe you could add more things about what happened to the 2 people?That would add even more effect.Well done.
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:icondarkelvenfaerie:
darkelvenfaerie Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2010
I liked the ending the best.
I could feel the emotion you felt as you wrote it.
The imagery and concept was just amazing.
Keep up the excellent work.

--------------------
Eat to survive...
Write to live..
Blessed Be.
:iconbemyvalentineplz:
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:iconsunnyfunshine:
SunnyFunshine Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
...And then I read this, and then I'm feeling depressed again.

Awesome job.
Reply
:icondreamersleepwalker:
dreamersleepwalker Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2010
this one is so tense, you have your way with changing the mood!
I was feeling rather happy when I started reading but now I feel...
groggy! i usually don't like your endings because I don't want the
story to end (there is nothing wrong with your endings, I guess ).
Reply
:iconseeisme1:
seeisme1 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
This is one of the best poems I've ever read. I loved the metaphors and images. I can relate to it to, which makes it that much more deep. Seriously, nice work.
Reply
:iconellamarie25:
ellamarie25 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2010
wooo.. let's hope for day 16 of writing. (:
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:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010
woohoo thank you! im working on day 16 now but im not too sure about it lol. and i cant end it. im so miserable when it comes to endings :P
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:iconellamarie25:
ellamarie25 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010
well, simple solution to issue.. don't end it! i don't want you to end it. :) please keep writing. please? :heart:
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:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010
haha you make it sound so easy :P
day 16 has been completed. now tonight is day 17. sighhhh
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:iconellamarie25:
ellamarie25 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010
i find it easy. you don't? i find myself writing something everyday whether i like it or not. ha.
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:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010
haha well youre lucky then. im a perfectionist so i can only write when it sounds decent in my head. so writing every day is extremely difficult.
Reply
:iconellamarie25:
ellamarie25 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010
wow. have you ever thought about going out of bounds and just writing... no over analyizing, perfecting.. or all of the above? just let the words flow..
Reply
:iconksmsoccer89:
ksmsoccer89 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010
yeah i do that sometimes too. thats what ive been doing recently. and im not really too much of a perfectionist because i never edit anything i write. and i dont enjoy grammar or punctuation or caps. im a bad example for writing ive been told.
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(1 Reply)
:iconmelodiouspoet:
MelodiousPoet Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this one. Everything is amazing. I love your imagery and metaphors so much. And the ending, I love your endings, and this one especially.
Reply
:iconcuelinarypieces:
cueLinarypIecES Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2010
this is another great piece! :D
i could so relate to this, though i did not beg on my knees and no ii for me.haha and it's not that i can't sleep, but i can't think since it was always him think about.haha why do i have to say such thngs?amf...

what do you mean that you suck on endings?! that's crazy talk, crazy... :D i love how you end your pieces :D the ending in this one is actually one of my favorites, especially with the rhyme and running out of those things :(
Reply
:iconnightgoblinella:
NightGoblinella Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2010
This is really amazing, I can feel the emotion in it.
I like the rhyming pattern in it, it ties it together nicely.
The imagery in the first one, about the grenade, it powerful and clear.
I know how III feels, ick. It's why I keep refusing meds.

My favorite is V, because I really like how you worded it. The 'I punched the mirror hoping I would fall to pieces just as my reflection would.'

This is heartbreaking stuff, and I really love it. You're an awesome writer.
I hope you have a nice day. :)
Reply
:iconseabelle:
seabelle Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
you're awesome at writing.
don't forget it.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2010
love this piece.
:heart:
Reply
:iconblack-panacea:
black-panacea Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2010
Ah this is good! I really liked it.
and remember to think about me when the idea of doing IT again comes to you,ok? you know, about funny , silly, GORGEOUS me xD :tighthug:
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